Greener Grass
This is actually really hard for me to write this. The last four months, for better or worse, have been extremely formative in my life. Among many things I have pursued a story that began as a small feature and has now grown into a behemoth of content turned into a five episode series. What began as an investigation into the intersection of the justice system and mental health turned into a full-blown operation to dive deeper than anyone else had ever gone and share my findings with the world.
I did it. I went all out and left everything on the table. (see Minds On Trial series)
But was it worth it?
This is a question that I tend to ask myself whenever I am doing hard things. In actuality I ask the presentence version oftentimes while I am in the act: why am I doing this? What could I possibly be gaining from all of this pain?
When the question is asked in the past tense, it means that I am reflecting. I am on the other side of the wall that I just scaled. I have completed the difficult task that I, at one point, considered wasn’t possible at all.
On paper, of course it was worth it to create this story. I am shining a light on something that desperately needs to be talked about. I am creating high-quality journalism that is boosting my resumé and I am finding ways to be creative outside of just sports.
But the toll that it took to reach this final product is larger than I could have ever estimated.
This is something that I often don’t think about when I am planning a project. I often weigh the pros and cons, but rarely go as far to say: “I wonder what the ripple effects of this will be?”.
For this project, it was a lot of good and also a lot of hurt. I spent countless hours researching, studying, traveling, researching, constructing, recording, interviewing, and the list goes on. Those hours were necessary for me to create something that I would deem as ‘excellent’, but they were hours nonetheless.
I believe that balancing my time and prioritizing different life items is one of my biggest flaws. I love to ‘be busy’, but if you examine my 24/7 life, I probably am no busier than the average 9 to 5 worker. I’m sure there is tons of research and studies out there about younger generations and how they are obsessed with work, but in reality it makes complete sense even without the science. We are all infatuated with our identity and we feel like we need to feed the pillars that hold ‘our identity’ up.
I am a busy guy. I work 5 jobs. I’m a double-major student. I have two podcasts. Oh and - that’s just the media stuff that I do.
I also have a family, friends, and a girlfriend I just absolutely adore.
I also need to eat, sleep, and take care of my body.
Ultimately, 24 hours isn’t enough for me to invest equally and equitably into all of those incredibly important parts of my life. I often joke that I wish God gave us 30 hours because I would be so much farther in life, but the reality is that I think he gave us an intentional number of hours to save us from ourselves.
The classic ‘American Dream’ is to do the following:
Work a 9 to 5
Eat, sleep, and invest in our bodies
Spend time in community with your family, friends, and partner
Each of those is allotted 8 hours on an average day, and when I don’t equally distribute I feel so out of wack.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I really struggled during this project. I struggled to give attention to everything I needed to.
Am I in the wrong for that?
I’m still deciding. I don’t think a certain amount of listeners or awards that are tied to this project will influence my decision, but what will is what those people - the ones in my tight circles - have to say about my work, and how they interact with me now that my project is done.
It’s only a matter of time until I start my ‘next big thing’. Actually, I leave for Los Angeles in a little over 24 hours, but I am walking into this opportunity with a different approach than I walked into this last one.
I am still motivated as ever, but I realize that there are certain things that require my investment and that I can still provide high-quality work without draining myself out all on one investment.
“The grass is greener where you water it” - That makes me smile when people say that. It’s so obvious, but why can’t I get it across to myself.
I guess I am still learning.
And with a little (or a lot) of grace…
That's ok.
